How Bakura Stole Christmas
by Rekall
Summary: Bakura learns the hard way why he shouldn't be playing the Grinch when it comes to stealing things from from the Kaiba Mansion. [BakuraMalik, SetoYami, RyouYugi]


"_Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la."_

"_Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la la la la la."_

Bakura clapped his hands over his ears as he slouched down further in the backseat of Ryou's tiny car. He hoped that if anyone looked at the car they would only see the two singing idiots in the front seat and not him.

The two singing idiots were really his hikari, Ryou, who was currently driving the car, and Bakura's sex slave, Malik. Malik of course would have been pissed if he found out the white-haired former King of Thieves referred to him as a sex slave but Bakura didn't care. Calling Malik 'boyfriend' or 'lover' was far too mushy for his taste.

"Take it Kura!" the blond sex slave suddenly cried from the passenger seat as he turned his head and gave the former Thief King a sexy grin. Bakura was not amused and thought up hundreds of better ways for Malik to put his mouth to good use instead of singing an annoying Christmas song.

"…"

"_Fa la la la la la la la la!"_

To Bakura's relief the two singing idiots finished the song. Removing his hands from his ears, he sat forward to speak to them before they could start up another song. It had been twenty minutes since they had left the apartment and Malik and Ryou had been singing the entire way.

"So where are we going?"

"To the mall to get our Christmas shopping done," Ryou replied. He then sharply turned his head to glare at his yami. "Shopping means you use money to buy. Do not try to steal anything!"

Bakura barely noticed what his hikari was saying as he frantically began pointing out the front window that Ryou should have been paying attention to. "Car! Car!"

Casually, Ryou turned his attention back to driving and easily changed lanes to avoid crashing into the stopped car in front of him. Malik didn't seem bother by the driving but Bakura flopped back into his seat and quickly did up his seat belt. He knew he should have taken the bus.

To Bakura's relief, Ryou soon pulled into the parking garage for the huge mall and he practically fell out of the car in his mad attempt to exit the vehicle.

A cold chill hit Bakura and he shivered in his lightweight black trench coat. He knew he should wear something warming but he refused to look 'un-cool' in the process unlike a certain ex-Pharaoh he knew. Besides being cold simply meant he would have fun warming up later.

Bakura stared at Malik, who was wearing a leather jacket, lavender earmuffs and matching gloves, as he thought about the things they would do once they got back to the apartment that Ryou and Bakura shared.

"Let's split up for two hours to get presents," Ryou suggested. Again he glared at his yami. "Now what are you not supposed to do…?"

"Steal handbags from old ladies, pick fights, stab someone, scare kids, trip people and steal their bags, and start fires," Bakura rattled off with a roll of his eyes. It seemed like every time they went out Ryou added something to the list.

"And no shoplifting!"

"And no shoplifting."

"And no flirting with other guys!" Malik piped up.

"Aww…come on! It's not like I seriously want to sleep with them!"

Malik remained firm as he glared at the former King of Thieves.

"Alright! Alright!"

Bakura watched as Malik and Ryou strolled off in opposite directions. He really hated shopping the normal way. Fortunately however, he had a credit card he had stolen months ago and the owner still didn't know it was missing.

With a sigh, Bakura headed for the nearest exit. Any store he was going to do some buying in wasn't located in that mall.

The bitter cold hit Bakura again, this time stronger than before since he wasn't in the sheltered garage. Shoving his bare hands into his pockets, the former King of Thieves stormed down the slippery sidewalk towards the shop at the end of the street that read '_Kitten's Playpen.'_ Entering the shop, Bakura welcomed the warmth of the store.

Picking up a basket, the former Thief King wandered the aisles of the sex shop, heading straight for the butt plug section. After several minutes mulling over his options, Bakura finally picked up a sparkly purple one and placed it in the basket before moving on.

Bakura made short time in the store, rapidly picking out items he knew that Malik would like. He made sure to get purple vibrating nipple clamps, a pink vibrating dual cock ring called the Twin Rabbit that promised to bring 'volcanic, triple action to your lovemaking', some new hand and ankle cuffs, some Japanese bondage rope, a new paddle and a dozen different types of lube.

Looking down at the filled basket, Bakura began wondering what to get Ryou; after less than a minute of thinking he decided to go back and get double what he had already gotten. His hikari was currently in a relationship with the stupid Pharaoh's hikari and as far as Bakura was concerned their love life, if they even had one, was too vanilla.

Finally Bakura ended up taking his load over to the cash register where he didn't bat an eye at the cost that kept on getting higher and higher as each item was rung in. When the total was up, he smoothly handed the girl his stolen credit card, which read _Kaiba Seto_ on it.

"Umm…I'm sorry sir but I can't accept this card," the girl nervously said taking a quick glance at the name on it. "You're not Kaiba-sama."

"What! I am too!" he protested. "I just grew my hair out and dyed it!"

"But sir, Kaiba Seto is our best customer! He was just here yesterday buying presents! You are not him!"

With a growl, Bakura snatched the card back and handed the girl his own. Wisely she didn't comment on anything as she ran it through the machine and then allowed Bakura to go on his merry way.

Annoyed that he had to pay for the gifts himself, Bakura stormed back to the mall, barely noticing the cold this time from being so mad.

Unfortunately for Bakura he still had plenty of time to kill. He also now had another problem in that Ryou and Malik would both know where he had shopped thanks to the big kitten on the side of the bag wearing a Christmas ribbon and the name of the shop printed in big letters.

Bakura mulled over his troubles as he headed to the food court, hoping that there was a place there that would serve him some raw meat. It was there where he found a solution to his problem because sitting in a circular table in a corner were the Priest and the stupid Pharaoh.

Four chairs were gathered around the table. Yami sat in one with Seto sitting across from him. Bakura felt like gagging as they stared stupidly at each other, their hands clasped together under the table. In the third chair were all the clothes Yami wore when he went out, mostly various jackets and sweaters to keep him warm, which left the fourth chair free for Bakura.

Dumping his bag down in the middle of the table, nicely displaying the logo so that both Seto and Yami could see where he had shopped, Bakura plopped down in the free chair and grinned at them. "Hello…"

"What do you want?" Yami growled, while Seto silently glared at the former King of Thieves.

"A simple favor really…I'm supposed to meet up with Malik and Ryou but if they see this bag they'll know where I bought their presents. Thus I need you two to deliver them to our apartment later tonight."

"Why would we do that?" Seto inquired with a sour look on his face.

"If you don't…I'll start guessing what you got the Pharaoh here for Christmas, since I have some good clues…and end up spoiling your surprise…"

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh really?" Bakura asked with amusement as he leaned forward and began digging through the bag. "Did you see these new vibrating nipple clamps they got in last week…I'm sure the Pharaoh would like them…"

Seto quickly yanked the bag off the table. "How's 6pm?"

"Seto!" Yami protested, not liking the arrangement one bit.

"Good enough." Standing up, Bakura strolled off. Tossing his head over his shoulder he smirked as the former Pharaoh reached around the table and attempted to peek in the bag.

"Just one little peek! I highly doubt he bought the same things as you!"

"Yami!"

Bakura laughed as other shoppers began looking at the famous couple. With a little luck Yami would accidentally rip the bag open so that everyone in the food court would think they were sex freaks. They certainly were sex freaks but no one outside of their stupid group of friends knew it.

**

* * *

**

"All right, I'm going now! Order something for dinner!" Ryou called as he walked out the door and closed it behind him.

"Bye," Bakura grumbled at the closed door. He was lounging on the couch, his eyes glued to the TV, and he couldn't care less if his hikari was spending the night at Yugi's.

What he really wanted was Malik, spread naked on the floor but the blond was cooped up in the bedroom they shared wrapping presents. Bakura was barred from the room until further notice, which made him extremely unhappy.

"Did Ryou leave already?"

Snapping his head around, Bakura found Malik standing at the entranceway to the room, his bare arms crossed over the skimpy top he was wearing.

"Get naked."

Malik laughed. "I'm not finished yet! I was just curious if Ryou left yet or not."

Bakura frowned. His own presents, safely delivered by the Priest a few days ago, were still unwrapped under his bed. With Christmas still five days away Bakura didn't understand why his little sex slave was so concerned with wrapping that night. For some strange reason Ryou had issues with them screwing all over the apartment when he was there so they were often trapped in their room when they wanted to have fun.

"Get naked," he repeated, trying again.

"Watch some TV while I finish up," Malik replied, sticking out his tongue at the former King of Thieves. Bakura could think of a lot of better uses for that tongue.

"Nothing's on!"

With a sigh, Malik marched over to the video cabinet, pulled out a VHS tape and plopped it in the VCR. "Watch this."

"Is it porn?" Bakura asked in an excited voice as he sat up.

"It's a bunch of Christmas shows Ryou taped. I figured if you watched some, it might get you in the Christmas spirit."

Bakura slouched down in his seat and pouted as Malik strolled from the room. On the TV screen the first show started. It was about some stupid snowman that came to life through a magical hat. Bakura had to admit though he had fun cheering on the evil magician who tried to stop the stupid snowman.

Up next was an equally dumb show about Rudolph and an elf who wanted to be a dentist. Bakura really didn't remember much about that show as he fell asleep halfway through and when he woke up a different cartoon was on.

_You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.  
You really are a heel.  
You're as cuddly as a cactus,  
You're as charming as an eel.  
Mr. Grinch._

Leaning forward, Bakura watched with delight as the Grinch stole all the presents from the Whos in Whoville. Just when he was getting to the good part when all the Whos were about to discover that Christmas had been stolen, Bakura's attention was diverted as Malik appeared back in the room, this time butt naked.

Forgetting about his new hero, Bakura dove towards his sex slave, ready to punish him for earlier.

**

* * *

**

Bakura sat at the kitchen table, munching on his breakfast, lost in thought. It had been two days since he had seen the Grinch show and ever since then he had been trying to watch the ending to see what happened to the stupid Whos. However Ryou and Malik were always hanging around and he _couldn't_ let them think that he wanted to watch the cartoon.

"Kura please let me open this present!" Malik begged rushing into the room and plopping himself down on Bakura's lap. The Thief King had been forced into wrapping his presents the day before and ever since then Malik had been acting like an eager child.

"You already know it's some kind of sex toy," Ryou grumbled from the other side of the table. Ryou always hated mornings as he 'claimed' that Bakura and Malik always kept him up at night with their fun.

"That's why I want to open it!"

Bakura pinched Malik who squealed and scurried off with the present. Across the table, Ryou shook his head. "Doesn't he have enough – wait I don't want to know."

"You're just jealous," Bakura replied with a smirk on his face. "But don't worry, I'm sure Santa will come through…"

"KURA! Tell me you didn't!" Ryou cried in alarm, knowing what his yami was thinking. "Please tell me you didn't!"

"Didn't what?" Bakura asked as he stood and dumped his dishes in the dishwasher.

"You did!" Ryou accused as the former King of Thieves began walking from the room. "What am I supposed to tell Yugi when he finds out?"

"That you want to experiment."

Ryou turned a deep crimson color and Bakura laughed his head off all the way to his bedroom. Locking the door to make sure he wasn't disturbed, Bakura began to think. If he couldn't watch the end of the show he needed some other way to craftily find out what happened.

Snapping his fingers, the obvious answer came rushing to the former Thief King. If he couldn't watch the show he would recreate it.

Bakura began rubbing his hands evilly together as he left the bedroom and began walking to the living room where his little sex slave was still sitting in front of the tree shaking his gifts as he tried to guess what was inside. Bakura only had two days to plan his master scheme, which meant he had to work fast.

Waiting until that night, Bakura 'borrowed' Ryou's car, claiming he had to finish some Christmas shopping. Instead though he found a costume shop and stole a Santa outfit.

Returning to the apartment he stashed it away where Malik and Ryou wouldn't be able to find it. Then he waited; on Christmas Eve he would put his plan into motion.

**

* * *

**

Lying awake in his bed, Bakura waited until he was sure that Malik was fast asleep. Earlier that evening he made sure that Malik was screwed hard enough that even if he was awake the blond wouldn't be able to move. Fortunately Malik had passed out when they had finished.

Slipping out of bed, Bakura pressed his ear up against the wall he shared with Ryou; his hikari normally went to bed early and the former King of Thieves was lucky that this night was no different.

Digging out his hidden – stolen – suit, Bakura slipped it on, forgetting about the extra padding and beard that went with it. There was no way he was becoming fat and bearded just to pull off his scheme.

Slinking into the living room, Bakura picked up Gumdrop, Malik's cat, and tied a homemade antler to the feline's head.

"Meow," the cat said as Bakura began carrying him towards the door, making sure he grabbed Ryou's car keys on the way out.

Madly driving through the empty streets, Bakura knew exactly where he was headed. He had already made up his mind yesterday which house he was going to hit first.

Driving across town, Bakura soon reached his destination, a large mansion on the outskirts of town that had been reluctantly decorated with colorful Christmas lights.

"Meow?" Gumdrop said from the seat next to the former Thief King as Bakura stopped the car in front of the massive gates that separated the mansion from the street. Gumdrop was peering out the window, staring at the mansion.

"That's right," Bakura replied, exiting the vehicle with his bag of normal tools he needed for a job like this. In no time at all, Bakura had the gate open and was driving Ryou's car up the long driveway towards the mansion.

Bakura knew that the real Grinch went down the chimney but he wasn't that dumb. There was no point in going down a chimney when a window or door would work just as well.

Taking out his burglar kit again, Bakura easily picked the lock on the front door and slipped inside. To his delight the alarm system was disabled.

Slinking through the mansion, Bakura headed towards the room where he knew the tree in presents would be. Luckily the youngest person who lived there would already be in bed and the other two were more than likely passed out naked somewhere.

Seeing the lights from the Christmas tree creeping into the hall, Bakura slunk into the room only to be met with the surprise of his life…under the tree, in front of the mass of presents, were Yami and Seto butt naked and they definitely weren't asleep.

Like a deer caught in headlights, Bakura couldn't help but stare in horror at the sight before him. Yami was moaning underneath Seto who was thrusting in and out of his petite lover.

"Seeetooooo…" Yami groaned so loud that Bakura wondered how Mokuba could sleep.

"Looovee…you…"

He felt gagging as Seto's bare ass rose in the air and he almost passed out from dizziness.

"Gonna….cum…"

"That's it Baby."

Traumatized for life, Bakura finally managed to step backwards out of the room. His plans forgotten he hurried out of the mansion and jumped into Ryou's car, speeding away without another look back at the house of horrors.

"Meow?" Gumdrop inquired.

"Shut up! You don't want to know!"

The small car raced back to the safety of the apartment. Bakura had no desire to carry on with robbing other people after what he had seen.

Hurrying into the apartment, the door slamming shut behind him, Bakura shocked to find Malik standing in the middle of the room, dressed only in his pajama pants, with his arms crossed over his bare chest. An eyebrow arched when he saw what the former King of Thieves was wearing.

"Where were you?"

Bakura thought fast. "Giving out toys for the homeless."

"Nice try."

"I didn't break any laws! Well…not many laws…"

"Forget about it," Malik replied with a wave of his hand. "You look like something scared you half to death so I doubt you were getting into too much trouble. Ryou doesn't have to know."

Bakura sighed with relief. His little sex slave was always so good to him.

"By the way, did you see Gumdrop before you went out on your little adventure? I looked for him everywhere while waiting for you to get back and I can't find him."

Bakura's eyes widen in alarm; he had left the damn cat in the car.

**

* * *

**

Christmas came and went quickly for Bakura.

Malik had kept his promise that Ryou wouldn't find out about Bakura being up to no good the night before and he had forgiven Bakura immediately for leaving his cat in the car when he had seen his presents.

Ryou naturally was embarrassed by the presents Bakura had gotten him but he still ended up gathering the toys together and taking them over to Yugi's place by mid-day. This of course left Malik and Bakura plenty of time alone.

"Ready to play?" Malik purred before pouncing on the white-haired thief.

Up until that moment Bakura had still been terrified by what he had seen at the Kaiba mansion but those thoughts of horror were quickly pushed out of his mind as Malik began undressing.

* * *

**A/N - **Okay so I ended up writing another Christmas Fic. I felt bad for Kura and Malik since this was the second year in a row they were left out of my Christmas fic.

-In case no one realized it the shows Kura was watching were _Frosty the Snowman_, _Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer_ and _How the Grinch Stole Christmas._ All three are some of my favourite Christmas shows.

-I was originally going to have Killer in the fic (instead of Gumdrop) but didn't want anyone thinking that this was some sort of _Nine Lives _sequel. That's because there _is _going to be a NL sequel coming up sometime in the new year as my wifey gave me an idea and I want to run with it. I think Dukie deserves some hate mail for giving me another fic to write.

-Dukie also edited the fic and hekp come up with the title. I was running through parody titles in my head and when I saw that Dukie also came up with one of the titles I was considering I went with with. (so maybe you shouldn't send her hate mail, my mindless slaves).


End file.
